It's been a while
and a difficult difficult passage
Most massive surges of emotion I've been able to withstand. Breathe. Drink water. Breathe some more. Fall to my knees. Breathe. Immitate Jesus on the cross, that forsaken bit. And yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of yada yada. And no that's not Hebrew, far s I knw.
But this one's been, well, the most crushing surge, mega surge, I've ever endured.
And even when finally coming clear of it and surviving the car accident, yup just to top it off, my Bosnian friend had the gall, and thank God! for her, to say, "well if that's the most difficult Autumn you've gone through, Life is pretty good".
And you know she's right.
Even after 2 months of what most sane people call 'depression', Ha! more the fool they.
But what I call a complete and utter dissolution of Self and a dis/re-manteling and then a hefty rear ender at highway speed and a headache that's lasted for, oh 60 days.
Even after all that, yup she's right.
After all she had to step over dead bodies in the doorway in order to get bread at the shop.
So in answer to your question, and Thank You So Much for Inquiring and for the Compliment
...away.
Inside.
Deep deep inside.
So deep inside that I didn't exist in this place.
After I'd finished Grieving for my Life.
Such Terror.
I think it's something that we all live with, but only feel if we're quiet and still long enough to sink down into the silt of our Selves.
Into the mud at the root of the Lotus.
And the way down is lined with Grief.
And on some days it feels the crying will never end. And the lungs burn and the chest aches and the throat is rough and the eyes red and swollen.
And this is Love.
This is the Look of True Love.
And no prayer, no god, no drug can relieve or diminish it.
And it's hard to believe we keep killing people every day, because this is what the ones left, the ones who loved them, are left to feel.
It's six months since Petr died and even today I woke up crying.
But if one keeps a finger to one's lips and keeps quiet longer, stiller longer, you will find yourself sinking right through the velvet mud at the bottom.
And it's only in the stillness and the quiet, that the sweetness can be tasted with the Heart.
In that place beyond Self.
Beyond Life.
Beyond Love even.
Where even dead bodies on the doorstep smile.
